INDONESIAKININEWS.COM - Two years ago, brand strategist Aniesia Williams started an online chat room that turned into a recurring meeting gr...
In 2020, Williams was talked into joining Clubhouse by a friend. “I did not want to be there,” says the founder of PR and marketing firm AW+CO. But something inside Williams inspired her to take the plunge. To her surprise, the audio-based social platform filled a gaping hole for connections with strangers.
“What was so unique, because we were in a whole pandemic, was that nobody knew what the hell was happening,” Williams says, “so everybody was just winging it.” In her first session, the 41-year-old native of Raleigh, North Carolina, joined a random room with a circle of people she had never met before. “I was like, ‘What dragons are you slaying today?’ Everybody just started talking about that.”
Williams and another person she met in that room decided to start a more intentional space together for inspiring conversations that would allow people to connect on a soulful level.
They decided to call the group Dragon Slayers. The chat room met continually for over a year. They played music and let one another talk openly about what they were overcoming. “It was the most uplifting and positive thing for people to wake up to in the morning,” Williams says.
It was in her Clubhouse chat room where Williams crossed paths with natural skin-care line owner Tysha Mitchell. She says what initially led to her bond with Mitchell was the authenticity she felt from her in every conversation.
Mitchell continued to reach out to Williams on both her best and worst days with no ulterior motives — just genuine care. “She would always come,” Williams says, “and check in.”
Over time, Williams opened up further about tough experiences she was navigating, as did Mitchell. From their frequent chats, a deeper friendship developed.
“We have talked every day since New Year’s,” Williams says. “We have gone on vacations. I’ve met her family. She’s met mine. And we’re about to go on vacation tomorrow to celebrate her 40th birthday.”
Hearty conversations can lead to meaningful bonds, as former lawyer Shari Leid learned. When she turned 50, Leid decided that she wanted to spend the next year of her life engaging in richer discussions with others.
She never felt that she was a “natural” at socializing, so she spent that year talking with 50 women — both strangers and acquaintances — in 50 different states.
“I’m not somebody who would have sat down with people, called, or tried to meet with 50 women in different states that I didn’t know,” says Leid, who is now a life coach and author.
“But that practice became a natural way of life for me.” The journey inspired her books The 50/50 Friendship Flow and Make Your Mess Your Message. “Now when I look at someone,” she says, “I genuinely look at them not as strangers but as my friend I haven’t met yet.”
Starting conversations with strangers — and sometimes even people we love and know deeply — can be difficult because of the fear of awkwardness or rejection.
“They’re worried about making the other person feel uncomfortable, and they’re worried about feeling uncomfortable themselves,” says We Should Get Together and Connected From Afar author Kat Vellos.
However, there’s much more to gain. In a 2021 experiment, researchers recruited participants to strike up a conversation with a stranger in a public park. The participants predicted that asking deeper questions would be met with uncomfortable silence and awkward stares.
In the end, the study found that these exchanges left both parties feeling more connected and happier in general. “It’s all of those fears and worries that are getting in the way,” Vellos says. “All it takes is a little bit of courage, and it usually works out better than we expect.”
These small yet powerful exchanges — even if it’s a one-off interaction — have proven health benefits. A NIH study found that social isolation leads to increased risk of developing coronary heart disease and stroke, and another NIH study uncovered that befriending others releases oxytocin, the body’s stress-fighting drug, producing a calming effect in women. It’s true: Friendship helps us live longer.
You can’t necessarily speed up the process of growing close to someone, but you can set the tone for it. Whether you’re looking to dig a little deeper with acquaintances or grow the confidence to strike up something new with a stranger, here are a few unique discussion starters and practical tips to break the ice.
Lend a unique compliment
If you’re nervous about firing up a conversation and don’t know where to begin, an easy place to start is by acknowledging something you appreciate about the other person right off the bat. “That can help get you out of your head,” Leid says. “That shows the person that you see them, you notice them.”
While expressing your adoration for their shoes or smile will surely brighten their day, the most powerful compliments extend beyond physical appearance.
Comment on the cool button for a band on their backpack or their unique taste after they’ve ordered a one-of-a-kind signature cocktail.
If you want to go deeper, share your positive first impression. Do you like the way they greeted you? Does their laugh light up the room? Do they make everyone feel included and welcome in the conversation? A creative, honest compliment will get your potential friend talking, and making someone feel seen will go far.
Replace “How are you?”
When someone asks how you’re doing, it can mean a million things. Are they really open to hearing about your existential crisis? Or are they just looking for a harmless description of what you had for breakfast? “I hate the question ‘How are you?’” Vellos attests, “because Americans toss it around as if it’s a greeting like hello and rarely listen for an honest answer.”
Vellos advocates swapping out the common question with a more dynamic one that conveys how available you are for genuine listening. If you’re looking to glean a little more about a friend-to-be, Vellos says, ask starter questions that invite specificity, such as:
- What emoji do you feel like right now?
- When you ask someone how they’re truly feeling or what they’re actually thinking, it immediately opens up the dialogue to their thoughts and not just their actions throughout the day. “The other person’s answer to that question could be something that you could never predict,” Vellos notes.
Find common ground
It seems overly simple, but quickly finding common ground can lay the groundwork for stronger discussions. Ask what television shows they’re watching, books they’re reading, or music they’re listening to at the moment.
“There are things that bring us into the present moment, that acknowledge our shared experience,” Vellos says. “Find a small base of common ground that can be done in under a minute or two.” In your next conversation, if you found just one topic you relate to, you’ll automatically have something to bond over at the next hangout.
Lean into awkwardness
When something awkward happens — whether you talk over the other person by accident, sense them recoil at something you say, or trip and fall flat on your face as you go to greet them — embrace it. “When we focus on not being awkward,” Leid suggests, “we become more awkward.”
Leverage an uncomfortable feeling or moment as a conversation starter. Say it out loud rather than holding it in as internal dialogue. You’re almost never as gauche or graceless as you think you are, so trust yourself, and don’t be afraid to laugh at yourself. Chances are, the other person has been there too. Not only is it sincere and endearing, but it’s freeing.
Make a short list
If you’re socially anxious or draw a blank when faced with the serendipitous chance to say hello to someone new, Vellos recommends keeping a short list of three to five questions that you want to practice feeling more comfortable asking on the fly. “Borrow and steal really great questions that you hear,” she says. “Keep them in your back pocket, screenshot them, or make them the wallpaper on your phone. Keep them front and center so that you don’t blank out when you have that opportunity.”
You can grow your idea bank by shuffling through a deck of conversation cards or a questions calendar, then change them out as you see fit. (Personal favorites: “What have you been learning lately?” and “What is the most embarrassing thing that has happened to you lately?”) Don’t overthink it. Vellos says, “Start small, and just practice.”
Disclose your intent
If you’re craving more meaningful engagement with a budding friend or an interesting acquaintance who typically sticks to small talk, invite them into a more in-depth conversation by leading with your purpose. For example, Vellos suggests you might say, “I noticed that when I ask people [deep] questions, or I’m asked deeper questions by other people, I feel a lot more alive, and I feel more connected to the people I’m talking to. Are you game for playing around with this with me?”
Regardless of how you choose to ask, whether it’s gamified or straightforward (“Can I ask you a question to get to know you better?”), this sentiment lets someone know that you have the time, space, and desire to talk more openly if it’s in the appropriate setting and moment.
Steering with this genuine, openhearted approach shows that you care and that they can go there with you. Whatever you do, don’t pressure someone to open up if they aren’t ready, especially if you’re going to ask something more personal, like “When is the last time you cried?” or “What do you wish you could go back and change?”
Be a student
One of the top mistakes we make when meeting new friends is trying to prove that we’re interesting rather than letting the conversation flow organically. A wonderful way to spark a connection-filled conversation is to talk to your possible buddy through a lens of learning. “Everyone we meet is both our teacher and our student,” Leid says.
Leid recommends asking open-ended questions that will “continue a conversation, as opposed to yes or no questions that might shut off the conversation right there.” If you do ask a close-ended question, you can follow it up by asking how, when, or why. At some point in the discussion, be sure to share something about yourself as well.
Speak with more than words
A meaningful conversation begins before words are even exchanged. “It’s not so much about the topic or what you’re talking about,” Leid says, “but it’s the way you’re making each other feel that makes it meaningful.” Your curiosity, body language, and interest in who they are and what they have to say speak volumes. It’s powerful to acknowledge each other’s existence.
These conversations, Vellos says, are “validation that you’re not walking through this world invisible.” She adds, “It’s a benefit to ourselves, and to the people around us, that we physically acknowledge each other’s existence and humanity.”
Ultimately, connecting with another person starts and ends with the type of energy we exude. Whether you’re talking about the weather or their three cats (even though you don’t have any), how you make the other person feel will leave an impression. All it takes is a little bit of courage and trust in yourself. “Just go for it, and give it a shot,” Vellos says. “You have nothing to lose, I promise, and a lot to gain.”
Source: shondaland
